Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
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