i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Randomize
