i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
can u get pink eye on your cock?
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
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