So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
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