I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
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