i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
Randomize
