stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
we were hanging out in his room and he decided to play WoW.. so i took off all my clothes while he wasn't paying attention and laid on his bed and started playing with myself.
did he notice?
of course he didn't notice.. he was playing a fiesty level 1 fucker that wouldn't give up..
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
Randomize
