If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
Dude she threw his clothes out n 8th floor window and her dog tried to bite his dick off. So the answer is yes it could be worse...
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
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