i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize
