Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
