I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
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