He kissed a someone with a penis
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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