I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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