I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
i am craving dick and cupcakes
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Randomize
