Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
The best revenge is premature balding
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
Randomize
