Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
