I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
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