I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
I was not drunk enough for that final.
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
Randomize
