two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Randomize
