6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
Only a mothe r could love this liver
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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