Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
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