the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize