Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
Randomize
