fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Randomize
