i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
I smell like Dick and happiness
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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