I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
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