if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize
