FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
i am craving dick and cupcakes
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Randomize
