Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize