My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
That guy over there looks like a cartoon/action figure.
omg, i know.
we're too high.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
Randomize
