so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
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