New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
