Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
