i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
as a side note pls kill me
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