TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
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