i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
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