it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
