Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
They say you shouldnt they say its no good for the environment in your vagina
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
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