Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize