Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
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