I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
Randomize
