i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
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