so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
Seriously what kind of college town is this? Nobody parties during the week or abuses perscription drugs
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
I was at his place until 2am. We just sat really close an stared at each other. I think you are right. Germans must not have feelings. Not even tingly ones in their pants.
Randomize
