Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
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