can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
he had a blacklight sublime poster, of course i had to do him.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
