I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
Randomize
