Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
Let's paint friendship bongs
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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