I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
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