i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
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