I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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