I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
I'll accept that I'm a woo girl. Just not the drunk cowboy hat wearing bar mongering twat bag type
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
Randomize
