I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
That was before I lit my hair on fire
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
