True but thats because hes a fetus.
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
Randomize
