I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
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