I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
Randomize
