Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
