Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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