my soul wont recognize me after tonight
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
Randomize
