My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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