I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Randomize