i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
Randomize
