and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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