My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
