i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
Randomize
