I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
Randomize
