On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
my nose is crying tears of wow.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
