I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
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