After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Randomize
